FORT WAYNE, IN — After weeks of residents accidentally discovering new underground ecosystems with their front axles, the City of Fort Wayne announced a bold, unconventional, and mildly confusing plan to combat the city’s rapidly deepening pothole situation.
City officials confirmed Tuesday that Fort Wayne has received a federal transportation grant to address potholes “as quickly as humanly, spiritually, or emotionally possible,” even if that means filling them with literally anything within arm’s reach.
“At this point, we’re not fixing potholes,” said one city spokesperson. “We’re negotiating with them.”
Creative Fill Materials Now in Play
Due to asphalt plants being booked through the next ice age, the city will temporarily fill potholes using a rotating inventory of available materials, including:
- Mulch from the city biosolids facility
- Retired sandbags from flood control
- Shredded leftover Mad Ants game programs
- Several couches found along I-69
- A mysterious rubber substance officials insist is “probably fine”
City engineers emphasized that while these materials may not last, neither does the suspension on most vehicles, so urgency is key.
Potholes to Be Repurposed, Not Removed
Rather than fighting the inevitable, Fort Wayne will also embrace potholes as civic assets, with plans to:
- Designate the deepest ones as Seasonal Retention Craters
- Allow select potholes to function as drive-thru car washes
- Install koi fish in downtown examples for “urban beautification”
- Offer guided tours of the largest pothole (location could change week to week)
A pilot program will also test converting one particularly aggressive pothole into affordable housing.
Navigation Help for Drivers (and Survivors)
To help residents avoid pothole-related emotional damage, the city is rolling out several navigation tools:
- A new smartphone app that screams when you’re within 20 feet of danger
- Temporary neon flags placed inside potholes so you can see them before it’s too late
- Street signs reading “GOOD LUCK” and “MAY GOD BE WITH YOUR TIRES”
- Detour routes that only add 27 minutes to your commute
In especially rough neighborhoods, residents will be issued complimentary spotters who stand at intersections waving frantically.
Federal Support Secured
City officials confirmed the pothole initiative is funded by a grant from the U.S. Department of Transportation aimed at “innovative infrastructure responses,” a phrase Fort Wayne interpreted very loosely.
“The grant didn’t specifically say not to use pool noodles and plywood,” the mayor noted. “So here we are.”
Looking Ahead
The city assures residents that permanent asphalt repairs are still planned for the future, defined officially as “after winter thaw, after construction season, and after we emotionally recover.”
Until then, Fort Wayne drivers are encouraged to slow down, avoid eye contact with suspicious road depressions, and remember: If your car disappears entirely, please report it using the 311 app.
Officials say more updates are coming—assuming the press conference location doesn’t cave in first.
